Emotionally Unavailable

Being Involved With An Unavailable Partner Is A Dead End

"I'm writing to you about the man I've been dating for over 7 years. We're not engaged and there's no commitment on his part. We see each other only when it appears to be convenient for him," writes Shirley of Janesville, Wisconsin.

"He's 42, never been married and is extremely selfish. (He) has money for all of (his) toys (he bought an airplane with other people, drives an Italian sports car, has a ski boat, etc). However, he doesn't want to spend money on me.

He was coming to my house every night to eat before he left for work, and would only take me out one night a week to an inexpensive restaurant. He expected me to leave a tip. He never does anything to help me at my house, but I used to go to his house and clean and do his yard work.

He spends all day sometimes with people he doesn't even know, but never can spend all day with me.

"I'm an attractive woman who has taken good care of myself physically. I love him, but I know (we) will never have a future. I already know what I should do, but it's very hard for me to say "good-bye."

I'm tired of being available only when it's convenient for him."

You're involved with an emotionally unavailable man.

Emotionally unavailable people are hard to get close to and even harder to stay close to. They don't want a "normal" relationship - they want to be alone, with other people, or off doing their own thing - which invariably doesn't include you. 

How do people act emotionally unavailable

• They're emotionally distant and extremely remote, except when courting.

• They're too busy, sick, tired or preoccupied with other things. Their energy, time and life-force are all taken with other priorities.

• They frequently work a lot and don't have quality time to spend with you.

• They're not responsive. They ignore you and your requests and they don't try hard to make a relationship work.

• They don't, won't or can't commit to a relationship.

• They may be extremely critical and judgmental, so you may have a hard time doing anything "right" in their eyes.

• They may flirt with other people and may not value monogamy.

• They may watch TV or sports a lot, read, work-out, or otherwise be preoccupied with something or someone that routinely interferes with their ability to be with you.

• They may be addicted to some substance, such as alcohol, drugs or food, which renders them incapable of being present and truly available to another person.

• People already married or involved with someone else are  frequently emotionally unavailable, regardless of what they profess.

• They don't place a value on acting with honesty, honor or integrity in their relationships with others. They're full  of excuses as to why they can't be with you, do things w/ you or be available for you.

If it seems that you routinely love your partner more than he or she loves you, that you express affection, care and commitment more than you receive, presume that you're involved with an emotionally unavailable partner. 

Emotionally unavailable people may profess to love you and care about you and they may make wonderful promises about your future together, but they don't follow through with believable behaviors that make you feel wanted and secure around them.

When your mate is unemotional and emotionally unavailable

Healing The Abandonment Wounds
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

The Inner Bonding Journal Volume 7.3 Aug 2000.

I do not believe it's possible to grow up in our society without some abandonment wounds. The following are some of the ways it can occur:

• Being torn away from mother at birth and put into a nursery.

• Being left to cry in a crib or playpen.

• Being given up for adoption or being left in foster care.

• Being physically and/or sexually abused.

• Being emotionally abused - ignored, yelled at, shamed.

• Being pushed aside at the birth of a new sibling.

• Having a parent or caregiver who is emotionally unavailable.

• Being unseen or misunderstood by parents or other caregivers.

• Being lied to.

• Being unprotected by a parent or caregiver.

• Being left alone in a hospital during an illness.

• Losing a beloved parent or grandparent at a very young age.

• Divorce.

• Being teased or left out with siblings or peers.

• Being ridiculed by a teacher.

• Being forgotten or not being picked up from school or other places.

• Being left at a young age to care for oneself, a parent, or other siblings.

When we are deeply wounded at a young age, we can't handle the pain, so we find ways to dissociate from the intense feelings. Then, later in life, especially when we fall in love, these old wounds can get activated.

Our beloved gets angry, withdraws, gives attention to someone else, says mean things, doesn't tell the truth, doesn't stand up for us, comes home late, wanders away in a crowded public place, misunderstands us, and so on and suddenly the pain that has been pushed aside all these years comes roaring to the surface. We think that we're reacting to the present situation, but what is really happening is that the old, unhealed abandonment wound has been touched off.

We might find ourselves suddenly enraged or falling apart with intense tears. Our reaction seems too big for the situation, yet we can't seem to stop the inner pain.

We might start to shake violently as the old terror finally erupts.

We want our beloved to take the pain away by stopping his or her behavior.. If only he or she wouldn't do the thing that activates these feelings, we'd be fine. Yet until we actually heal these old, deep wounds, we will not be fine.

We will always be vulnerable to having these wounds activated.

Healing the abandonment wounds does not happen overnight, yet it doesn't have to take years either. The first step is to be in Step

One of Inner Bonding, tuning into our feelings with a willingness to take responsibility for our pain.

Once you are aware that deep pain has been activated, seek the help of someone who can hold you and nurture you while you go into the abandonment pain. If no one is available, hold a doll, bear or pillow, bring in your spiritual Guidance and nurture yourself.

It's often not advisable to seek the help of the person who activated the wound because:

1) he or she may still be stuck in their own wounded place, the place that touched off your wound

2) you might become dependent upon your beloved taking care of you and taking the pain away instead of actually healing the pain.

Once you are with a safe, nurturing person, or even on the phone with a safe person, hold a doll or bear or even a pillow very tightly and breath into the pain. Move into the intent to learn -

Step Two - and allow the Child who is in pain to give you information about the original pain that is still stuck in the body,

Step Three. The body holds the memories that you repressed at the time and now the body is releasing these memories. Many images may come up as you open to learning with your Inner Child.

Be sure you have your spiritual Guidance with you, holding you, surrounding you with love and comfort as you open to learning about this deep pain.

In order to truly understand your present reaction, you need to understand what happened to you when you were little. Keep breathing deeply and allowing your Child to inform you, even if you are crying.

Tell the person helping you what your Child is telling you about what happened to you when you were little. It may take awhile, but gradually you will calm down.

At that point, you can move into Step Four, asking your Guidance about the beliefs that may have come up during Step Three, and about what else your Child needs right now to feel loved and safe.

Being there for your wounded Child this way will gradually heal the abandonment wounds. Ignoring your feelings, trying to make them go away, or trying to get someone else to take them away will only serve to re-wound you.

It's only when you no longer abandon yourself that the old wounds begin to heal. Eventually, another's behavior that previously triggered your intense reaction will no longer do so. You may feel sad or lonely when a loved one gets angry or withdraws in some way, but as long as you continue to show up for yourself, the intense pain will not be there.

If the pain seems stuck in the body no matter what you do, then you need to seek out a practitioner who knows how to release old pain out of the body through accupressure or other bodywork. (See recommendations for this work in my new book, Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?)

Once these old wounds are healing, you will feel a new sense of personal power. Other's behavior can no longer trigger you into these intensely painful feelings.

However, a word of caution: we may think it is healed, only to discover another level when we move into a more intimate relationship, or more intimacy with a present partner. The closer the relationship, the deeper the wounds get activated. That is why the primary relationship is the most powerful arena for healing there is, and Inner Bonding is the most powerful tool!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

CO-CREATOR OF INNERBONDING

Dr. Paul is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?, Inner Bonding, Healing Your Aloneness, The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook and Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids? Her newest book, Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?, was released in November, 1999.

She is a noted public speaker, workshop leader, educator, consultant and artist. Dr. Paul has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars since 1970.

Healing Childhood Abuse and Neglect

by Patty E. Fleener M.S.W.

Abandonment

I'm in the process of re-designing the whole of Mental Health Today. It is quite a process. I'm doing more than just putting the old material in a new template. I'm reading most of the material again so that I can improve the meta tags, alt tags for the search engines as well as putting in a special "Related Books" section on most pages. 

Thus, at this time a lot of technical information as well as opinions and other's experiences are flooding my mind. I am noticing that I am having an emotional reaction occasionally. I just had one and I wanted to share it because it is something that most of us consumers are dealing with and that is abandonment. That's what I want to talk about. 

In an article on the site is one entitled "Healing the Abandonment Wounds." (This article is included above.) Just one sentence made me stop typing and sit in my computer chair staring at the ceiling.

The article says:

"I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for the past 35 years and authored eight published books. Every individual I've worked with has had some abandonment wound to heal, and most relationship problems stem from abandonment wounds. 

It is not possible to grow up in our society without some abandonment wounds. The following are some of the ways it can occur:

• Being torn away from mother at birth and put into a nursery.

• Being left to cry in a crib or playpen.

• Being given up for adoption or being left in foster care.

• Being physically and/or sexually abused.

• Being emotionally abused - ignored, yelled at, shamed.

• Being pushed aside at the birth of a new sibling.

• Having a parent or caregiver who is emotionally unavailable.

• Being unseen or misunderstood by parents or other caregivers.

• Being lied to.

• Being unprotected by a parent or caregiver.

• Being left alone in a hospital during an illness.

• Losing a beloved parent or grandparent at a very young age.

• Divorce.

• Being teased or left out with siblings or peers.

• Being ridiculed by a teacher.

• Being forgotten - not being picked up from school or other places.

• Being left at a young age to care for oneself, a parent, or other siblings."

And the article continues on.

The sentence "Being left to cry in a crib or playpen" was the sentence that stopped me in my tracks. 

My aunt, in the past has shared with me that her mother, my grandmother babysat me from birth to age 3 as both of my parents worked. I did have this information confirmed by my grandmother but I did it slyly so as not to cause shame or blame. My brother was a difficult child to raise and needed constant attention. I was a quiet child and entertained myself. 

It is important to know that my family lived in an apartment at the time in the same complex as my grandparents. My grandmother told me I really preferred to be in my own place, in my crib so I was there in my crib alone in the apartment 95% of the time from birth to age 3. My grandmother would come and check on me from time to time. 

Experiencing Memories of Feelings of Abuse or Neglect as an Adult

When I found this out I was both saddened and relieved. All my life I would not call it a memory, but a memory of my feelings. I don't actually remember seeing myself in the crib alone. However I do recall EXTREME feelings that, "I'm alone and no one will ever comes. I wait and wait to the point where the emotional pain of no one coming for a long, long, long, long time, is so strong it is as if my mind twists I can't stand it.

The feeling of waiting and no one coming is so strong it's as if I go into another dimension of pure and total hell." I cannot tell you how bad it is. I don't have the words. It is a memory of feelings. I did not get that statement from any books. It is something that simply explains my experience as an adult.

There were actually two times in my adult life where I waited for my boyfriend - different ones as it was years apart - to come and I waited and waited and I went once again into that never never land and both times I laid on the floor in fetal position. 

I never understood those experiences until it was confirmed about how I was babysat. Though I was an adult, those two experiences for some reason put me back into the infant waiting for someone to come. I've been stood up many times in my life so I don't know why those two times were significant. I do know that on the first occasion the man had been on vacation for two weeks and just got back and had called and stated he was coming over at a particular time. He did in fact show up much later and that put me back into an adult state. 

In those days the man I was dating was a mirror of me. If I was abandoned by them, I ceased to exist so you an imagine how terrifying abandonment was and the extreme legal of anxiety I felt.

I do know that just long term stress alone changes the chemistry in the brain and it was not long ago that I sent everyone a new study about the BPD brain and being tested under abandonment environments.

What Can Be Done About Our Abuse/Neglect?

• I am learning possibly some of the reason I have a mental health disorder.

• I know that many people have endured similar and even much worse situations in their family of origin or horrible events as adults. Therefore I know that I am not alone.

• I do not feel sorry for myself at all as I know that many have suffered. However I do feel an inner sadness about this. I feel sad for that infant in the crib.

• I don't want to stay stuck there - as that ignored infant in its crib. I want to move beyond that and heal. I think it is good to grieve such a situation. I want so much for that to have never happened to me and I can get caught up into "if only" statements. Roger Whitaker does a song called "If Only is For Children." No "if only" thoughts. They get you nowhere. Part of grief is learning to accept what happened to us and making peace with it. Remember the grief process? Shock/Denial; Bargaining; Depression; Anger; (depression and anger can come in opposite orders from other's experiences and sometimes you may go back and forth) Acceptance.

• I have a legitimate right to be angry and that's ok but don't stay stuck there. Move on. If you continue to stay angry at someone who abused you, you continue to give them power over your life. The old statement about the best revenge is living a wonderful life is very true.

• Talk to your therapist about this. Talk and keep on talking.

• Should you forgive your abuser(s)? If you can.

• Is it ok to just sit down and cry for that child that you were? Of course. It's called grieving.

• I strongly encourage people who have undergone any form of abuse or neglect as children or adults to seek professional help. Get a counselor. Talk! Do you need to see a Dr? Are you not sleeping well or depressed or anxious due to that abuse/neglect? If you cannot resolve these issues in therapy you may need medication. Don't be afraid of it. Focus on what it will take to improve your life instead of whether you are taking medication or not.

• Understand feeling guilty over the abuse is normal though it makes no sense whatsoever. Work on that guilt and understand that you were a victim. The act(s) were about the other person and their own issues, not about you. In fact it had nothing to do with you. It wasn't because you were too pretty, too bold, too rebellious, etc. That had nothing to do with it. It is about the abuser and you were victimized because of their issues and their NOT making a choice not to hurt you. Get angry, just don't stay there.

John Bradshaw talks a lot about the "inner child." The child in us and he stresses how important it is to parent that inner child, comfort and love it. I've seen people with stuffed animals on their lap and pretending that is their inner child. They talk to it, hold it, love it, tell it you will always be there for it and will take care of it. Once again, tell that child that you will always be there for it.

The Abuser in Your Present

Talking about childhood abuse or neglect - some of us have had to evaluate in our own lives if being around our abuser (many times it is the parent or relative) is good for us as an adult. It depends upon how toxic that person is. 

Susan Forward wrote a book called "Toxic Parents" that helped me a lot. She helps you to evaluate whether your parents are toxic or not and even goes to the point, if necessary, to divorce our parents - to say goodbye and never talk to them or see them again. 

Some people, such as my grandmother did not set out to hurt me and was not even aware of the damage her behaviors did to me. She is one of the easier people to forgive and I can keep her in my life because she is not toxic to me as an adult. 

Other people made an actual choice to abuse children and understand what they are doing is wrong, yet continue due to their own emotional issues. If they continue to be toxic in your adult life, don't spend endless hours trying to convince them they hurt you if they are not hearing you. Divorce them. 

John Bradshaw's activity (ASK YOUR THERAPIST FIRST BEFORE DOING THIS):

I am reminded of an activity John Bradshaw directed and I participated in it through his video tapes. I do NOT recommend this for any of you who are not well into recovery. Ask your therapist before doing anything like this. I cannot emphasize this enough. At the time I did it I began falling apart worse. However the reason I mention this is to show you an example of just how precious and wonderful we are regardless of what happened to us. 

Close your eyes and see yourself in your mind's eye as early of an age as you can remember. Perhaps you are playing outside, etc. Don't look at a traumatic experience. Just see yourself. 

You come up to that child (you) as your adult self of who you are now and you pick up that child and you tell the child that you understand what they are experienced more than anyone else because you are them as an adult. Tell that child and HUG that child, that you understand how they feel and that you will be coming back to get that child and take it with you and that you will be the parent of that child from now on and that you will take excellent care of it. 

Second activity 

You again come to that child and you pick up that child and you tell him/her how wonderful and how precious they are and you tell that child that you love him/her very much and that you will protect it and never ever let anything bad happen to it again. 

Tell the child that you will now be taking that child away from its current environment and taking it with you. Again, tell that child that you will be his/her parent and that you will take wonderful care of it and assure it that you will never let anything bad happen to it again. See yourself hugging the child, holding the child and telling the child just how much you love it. 

Then you and the child begin to walk away. Soon you look back and see your parents and you wave goodbye to them and again remind the child you will be its parent now. Then you continue to walk away and you see your house getting smaller and smaller. 

Now I am guessing that some of you are tearful right now. I don't know about you but I felt a tremendous amount of love for that child

source site: click here

Letting Go of Unavailable People

By Robert Burney

"In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. 

We, in our Co-dependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who'll "push our buttons." 

This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most.  So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it's not safe to trust ourselves or other people .

Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it isn't safe to trust as long as we're reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. 

Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds."

"I spent most of my life being the victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions, my own behaviors. I was consistently picking untrustworthy people to trust and unavailable people to love. I couldn't trust my own emotions because I was incapable of being honest with myself emotionally - which made me incapable of Truly being honest on any level."

(All quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

Codependency is an incredibly insidious, treacherous disease. It's a compulsively reactive condition in which our ego programming from childhood dictates how we live our lives today.  As long as we aren't in recovery from our codependency, we're powerless to make clear choices in discerning rather someone we're attracted to is a available for a healthy relationship - we are in fact, doomed to keep repeating patterns. 

Emotionally we're drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level. That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that's familiar on an emotionally intimate level. 

We're attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love - our parents.

No matter how much we're making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience of love. 

It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I'd better watch out.  Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns - recreate my wounding.

It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction. And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch w/my childhood wounds. 

It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate it didn't mean we were going to live happily ever after. 

What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful and painful, opportunity for growth.

Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness.

Recognizing unavailability in the other person doesn't mean that I have to let go of the relationship - at least not immediately, it could be something I will decide to do eventually. 

What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems. As long as we're focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just:  work a little harder;  lose some more weight;  make some more money; do and/or say the right things;  whatever;  that person will change and be everything we want them to be.

Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at self.  We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what's happening. Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with are symptoms - effects of our childhood wounding. 

We can't solve a problem without looking at the cause.  Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for:  war on drugs;  war on poverty: etc.) will not heal the cause.

The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we're unavailable. We're attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we're still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents. 

We think we're going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth - or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome.

We need to own our own worth - our own "Prince or Princess" ness - before we can be available for a healthy relationship with someone who has owned their own worth. 

It's not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating,  and being unavailable, to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need to focus on healing our self - on understanding  and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who couldn't give us what we want emotionally. 

"Most men are programmed to keep their emotions (except for anger) bottled up in a concrete bunker inside of themselves because that is what they learned from society and from their role models.  Some men, of course, go to the other extreme and because they don't want to be like their fathers are out of balance in not being able to own their anger - these men usually marry women who are like their fathers."

"What we traditionally have called normal parenting in this society is abusive because it is emotionally dishonest.  Children learn who they are as emotional beings from the role modeling of their parents.  "Do as I say  not as I do," does not work with children.  Emotionally dishonest parents cannot be emotionally healthy role models, and cannot provide healthy parenting.

Our model for what a family should be sets up abusive, emotionally dishonest dynamics."

"There is an additional way in which women are wounded by their fathers that I have never heard, or read, anyone talk about.  It is a devastating blow that many daughters suffer on a subconscious level.  It comes at a very vulnerable time and contributes more evidence to the message that there is something wrong/less than about being a woman that most girls have already received in ample supply from society and the role modeling of their mothers."

Fathers

By Robert Burney MA

"What we traditionally have called normal parenting in this society is abusive because it is emotionally dishonest.  Children learn who they are as emotional beings from the role modeling of their parents.  Do as I say  not as I do,î does not work with children.  Emotionally dishonest parents cannot be emotionally healthy role models, and cannot provide healthy parenting.

Our model for what a family should be sets up abusive, emotionally dishonest dynamics."

The point that I am making is that our understanding of Codependence has evolved to realizing that this is not just about some dysfunctional families - our very role models, our prototypes, are dysfunctional. Our traditional cultural concepts of what a man is, of what a woman is, are twisted, distorted, almost comically bloated stereotypes of what masculine and feminine really are."

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

The belief that it is unmanly to cry or express fear is part of the prototype for what a man is supposed to be in our society.  Most men are programmed to keep their emotions (except for anger) bottled up in a concrete bunker inside of themselves because that is what they learned from society and from their role models.  Some men, of course, go to the other extreme and because they don't want to be like their fathers are out of balance in not being able to own their anger - these men usually marry women who are like their fathers.

Growing up with fathers who were emotionally crippled by their role models and society's beliefs has damaged us all.  Men can't be emotionally honest with others because they don't know how to be emotionally honest with themselves. Subconsciously they don't have permission to own the whole spectrum of their emotional palette.  It takes a lot of work and willingness in recovery to change the emotional programming we received in our childhoods.

And it is vital to do that work because being denied access to emotions denies access to our hearts and souls - denies access to the feminine energy within.  A man who has his emotions dammed up in a concrete bunker within has a dysfunctional relationship with his own intuitive nurturing feminine energy and, of course, with feminine energy of those around him.

That is, of course, one of the curses of codependence that women experience - men who don't have a clue what feelings are.  If Dad was emotionally unavailable then a woman is attracted to men who are the same - in an ongoing attempt to prove they are lovable by changing an emotionally unavailable male into one who is available. 

And if Dad was emotionally available it was often in an emotionally incestuous way (surrogate spouse) so in that case the last thing a woman wants (on a subconscious level) is a male who is available emotionally - because the burden of feeling responsible for Dad's feelings was too heart breaking.

There is an additional way in which women are wounded by their fathers that I have never heard, or read, anyone talk about.  It is a devastating blow that many daughters suffer on a subconscious level.  It comes at a very vulnerable time and contributes more evidence to the message that there is something wrong/less than about being a woman that most girls have already received in ample supply from society and the role modeling of their mothers.

This happens when girls start developing a female body.  Their fathers, being males of the species, are naturally attracted to the awakening feminine sexuality of their daughters.  Some fathers of course act this out in incestuous ways. 

The majority of fathers however react to this attraction (which in shame-based western civilization is not acknowledged as normal but rather is so shameful that it is seldom even brought to a conscious level of awareness) by withdrawing from their daughters, emotionally and physically.  

The unspoken, subconscious message that the girl/woman gets is "when I turned into a woman Dad stopped loving me."  Daddy's little princess is suddenly given the cold shoulder, and often is the recipient of angry (sometimes jealous) behavior from her father - who up until that time, often, has been much more emotionally available for his daughter than for his wife or sons.

In a healthy environment an emotionally honest father could recognize that his reaction was human - not something to be ashamed of - and also, not something to act out.  He could then communicate with, and have healthy boundaries with, his daughter so that she would know she wasn't being abandoned by her Dad.

Whether your father was John Wayne or a milquetoast, whether you are male or female, your father was wounded by his role models - both parental and societal.   Even if he was relatively the most healthy man on the planet, he was still wounded because civilized society is emotionally dysfunctional.

What is so damaging about being raised by wounded parents is that we incorporate the messages we got from their behavior and role modeling into our relationship with ourselves.  At the core of our being is a little child who feels unworthy and unlovable because our parents were wounded. 

In order to heal our relationship with ourselves and achieve emotional honesty it is vital to take a realistic view of how our fathers, and mothers, wounded us.  That is necessary in order to heal the relationship with the masculine and feminine energy within us so that we can be our own Loving parent.

source site: click here

Emotionally Unavailable Dads