feeling unaccepted - feeling unacceptable

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Your dictionary definition of:

un·ac·cept·a·ble

adjective

1. not adequate to give satisfaction; "the coach told his players that defeat was unacceptable"

2. not acceptable; not welcome; "a word unacceptable in polite society"; "an unacceptable violation of personal freedom" [ant: acceptable]

3. used of persons or their behavior; "impossible behavior"; "insufferable insolence" [syn: impossible]

4. not conforming to standard usage; "the following use of 'access' was judged unacceptable by a panel of linguists; 'You can access your cash at any of 300 automatic tellers'"

unaccepted

adjective

1. not conforming to standard usage; "the following use of 'access' was judged unacceptable by a panel of linguists; 'You can access your cash at any of 300 automatic tellers'"

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feeling awkward in a single family home...

Various Effects Single Parenting Has On A Child found @ Buzzle.com

Learn about the various effects that single parenting can have on a child and how to deal with these parenting issues.

Times have really changed. Many old customs and traditions which were taught and practiced for several years are becoming obsolete now. The modern culture has changed and outgrown values and beliefs that were thought to be the core.

Even though moralists and conservative people are expressing disgust over the currently evolving belief and culture systems, the truth is, however, what has been unacceptable in the old world is now becoming fast and rapidly rising trends.

Single parenting

For decades and even centuries, one of the most concerning issues to conservative people is the issue of single parenting. Ancient social philosophies have often linked single parenting to adventurism and liberation of people.

The Catholic Church has always been the dominating mentor and guide of traditions, norms and living. The church is so adamant to advocate the sanctity of the sacrament of marriage of matrimony.

That is why the procreation outside wedlock is strictly considered a ground for excommunication. It is one of the greatest sins, according to the Catholic Church, to engage in pre-marital sex.

From the church’s point of view, single parenthood can be considered as a punishment of some sorts, for those who disobey the teachings of the church. Obviously the fundamentalists think otherwise. So, is it?

Single parenting is already becoming a rapidly growing trend in the society. Studies show, that in the US alone, there are four single parents to every ten parents and there are two single parents for every 10 adults. Could you believe it?

The Child

Since the decision of single parenting is taken by the parent, one voice is often ignored and sometimes unheard of. It is that of the child's.

It has been found that single parenting has adverse mental, emotional and psychological effect on the child. This has been validated by psychologists and advocates from time to time.

The direct effect of being raised by a single parent is especially visible in child’s thinking and mental mind set.

Although single parents must be commended for raising a child alone, he or she should not be blamed for any mental or psychological result of the situation to the child, as psychological assert.

Tests and observations have consistently concluded and found that single parenting makes children more aggressive and rebellious. Experts say the behavior could be the outcome of the angst and humiliation the child experiences while growing.

There are very obvious reasons to make the child feel abnormal, different and unaccepted. The traditional families have two parents, the mom and the dad, jointly raising kids with help and advice from each other. Whereas in single parenting, a single person decides what is best for the child and sometimes takes extreme measures to get it accomplished.

Neighborhood also plays an important role in the development of single parent raised children. Sometimes it treats them too cruelly, which can make things worse. Humiliation and awkward feeling of insecurity is dangerous if left untreated or undetected in the child. That child can take the burden for the rest of his or her life.

In some conditions, single parents and their children both may need professional help through counseling. Counselors can give reasonable advice to the child and the single parent to make sure every small issue and difficulty is ironed out.

Counseling from professionals can form or make up a support system that will make single parenting easier and more effective. Because single parenting is no ordinary parenting, the parent and the child must learn to accept the situation minus the negative feeling.

It's a difficult situation for any child to be raised with one parent, but surprisingly, not an impossible one anymore. Society has accepted the facts and has stopped looking at single parenting as an abnormal occurrence. There is a positive trend which is especially useful in reducing, if not nullifying, the adverse effects on single parents and their children.

Submitted by Chris M

source site: click here

Ethics & Civility: Speak so your children will listen

By CAROLYN KATCHMAR

Are you a frustrated parent? Are you tired of talking to your child and not getting a response? You are not alone. Many parents are experiencing this similar problem. This is not a new problem; parents have experienced this problem for years with their children.

I began teaching parenting classes over 30 years ago and helped parents communicate effectively with their children. When parents would question me why their child was not hearing them, I would naturally check to ascertain if there were any physical limitations and/or suggest they take their child for a check-up.

However, one of the most common remarks I would hear from a frustrated parent was, “I don’t understand why my child doesn’t hear me when I talk to him. He can hear me whisper to his father when he is in the adjoining room! Therefore, I am certain he does not have a hearing disability! So, why can’t he hear me when I am right on top of him?”

As you can see, in a case like this, there was no doubt this child did not have a hearing difficulty.

So, why don’t children hear their parents if there is no problem with their hearing? There are several things to consider.

First of all, think about how you just talked to your child. Listen to yourself. What was your tone of voice? Listen to it. Were you repeating yourself? Did your voice sound upset and angry?

Many times parents are not aware that when they are upset about toys not being picked up or towels on the bathroom floor, their voice comes across in a very harsh and angry tone.

Ask yourself, how you would feel if your spouse was upset with you or had a conflict and spoke to you in the manner you just did. If their voice was raised, the consensus of most people I have asked is they would like to avoid it and tune the other person out.

On the other hand, there are only a few who are ready to fight back. It is important for you to calm yourself before you speak to your child so your child will be in a frame of mind, ready to listen.

Your children want to be loved. They want to please you. Believe me; they are not scheming against you (Although many years ago, I used to think that as I struggled in my other lifetime as a single parent of three!)

Children want to be accepted. When they feel unaccepted, it is scary for them and there is the tendency for them to avoid the situation. While they may want to fight back, especially as they grow older, they are still dependent upon you.

Thus, I ask you to have yourself under control before you talk with your children. I can assure you when there is love and caring in your voice, they will be ready to listen and please.

I also believe parents need to stop and evaluate how important the subject is to you before you present it to the children. I found it interesting that when I held off for awhile in speaking to my children about something I thought was important, it ended up actually not really being so important after all. I suggest you try it.

Some children do have more problems than others with attention. Thus, a good rule of the thumb is:

a. make sure you have your child’s attention before you speak It is best to have eye contact.

b. Be very specific in what you say.

c. Have your child repeat what you just requested him to do.

Remember, most often it is not what we say, but the tone of our voice that makes the greatest impact.

Kids are great about assessing how their parents are feeling. Most often they don’t even have to listen to what you are saying, all they have to do is hear the tone of your voice and look at your face and they will react in a positive or negative manner to your request or advice. Some will react with indifference saying things like, ‘I didn’t hear you’ when they feel fear from hearing anger.

Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.

source site: click here

Kids are thinking entirely differently than parents are thinking. Parents have a tendency to forget about when they were kids and the fears that they had about being loved and accepted by their own parents.

At teenscene - the site within the emotional feelings network of sites for teenagers has a page on communicating with your teenager. It might be a good idea if you have kids to take a look at the page by clicking here! You might be surprised!

Does Your Child Have An Imaginary Friend? found @More4kids.info

How many of us are familiar with the cartoon show ”Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends”? It is a lovable show that shows what happens to our childrens imaginary friends after they have grown out of them. For many kids, imaginary friends are a part of growing up. My sons imaginary friend is Chocolate the Dinosaur.

Are you concerned that this may be unhealthy? I was at first. Many parents tend to worry a bit about their child when one day they come to us and talk about their “imaginary friend”.

This is very common in all children and tends to happen between the ages of three and five. Unfortunately, many parents do not understand why their child is creating somebody imaginary and they end up feeling frustrated at their child, or feel they have bad parenting skills. Usually this is not the case and can be very healthy, a sign of a good imagination and help you as a parent understand what your child is feeling.

As a loving parent you have taken a step in the right direction by reading this article. Why? Because you are going to feel good knowing that it is perfectly safe for your child to have created an imaginary friend, or perhaps more than one of these fake companions.

In fact, these imaginary friends can be an important part of growing up. You may not remember having one yourself when you were a child, but I can almost guarantee that you had one. Having imaginary friends is also a very creative function of a child and a good indication your child has a healthy imagination.

You must understand that it is very hard for a youth to explain themselves or communicate well in words with adults. This “friend” then becomes almost like a gateway of communication between you and your child. It will help your young one deal with emotions and problems that he might otherwise not be able to handle.

A perfect example of this is when he is feeling lonely, bored, or in need of attention when you are not around. These emotions can make anyone feel very upset, especially a child under the age of five. So this imaginary friend might help him deal with a new school he has to transfer to, or adjust to a new home where there are not many friends, or perhaps if a new baby comes into the house and is getting all of the attention now.

Children have miraculous ways of dealing with life’s issues and confusions, especially when they create this fake person that helps them get through it. Let’s take fear for example. Children may create an imaginary animal, such as a dog, to help him overcome the fear of real dogs because he would like to have one himself.

Also, when children feel unaccepted or over-controlled by his parents, then he may invent an imaginary person who he pretends treats him as the way he wished Mommy and Daddy treated him. It sounds sad I know, but the minds of our kids are so young, so pure, and so fresh.

Children are not like us. They have not experienced all of these uneasy feelings in life and learned to deal with them. So from now on you should embrace this imaginary friend and find out more about him by asking questions. You just may learn a lot more about your child than you thought you could.

source site: click here

Parental favoritism bad for kids

Parents say they treat and love their kids equally. However, a new study has shown that most people fall into the trap of showing favoritism, making the ‘black sheep’ of the house feel unaccepted and unloved.

The research, by Julie Fitness, associate professor of psychology at Macquarie University, shows 69% of her sample of 70 could identify the family “favorite” and 80% could identify the “black sheep”.

“Parents say they treat their children equally. But when you ask people they say 'Of course there was a favorite'. They take it for granted,” theage.com.au quoted her, as saying.

Dr Fitness said the middle child was almost never considered the favorite. The favorites were usually the oldest or the youngest, or the only boy or girl in a family dominated by one sex; or the child who shared a parent’s interests and outlook.

“People say, ‘’Mum always liked her best because she looked like her or shared her interests. Or ‘’My father didn’t take to me because I wasn’t sporty like him,’’ Dr Fitness said.

She said it was often easier for parents to like the child who was like them. They might love their children but not necessarily like all of them or relate well to different temperaments. Parents felt guilty and tried to disguise their preferences.

She said adults who considered themselves the black sheep placed themselves on a continuum from feeling not loved or part of the family to being just a little bit different and getting the “raw end of the stick” more often than was fair.

For some black sheep the consequences could be lasting, serious and sad.

“The family is the primary social unit and if you feel you are not accepted or loved by your parents where does that leave you in this tough world?” she said.

Dr Fitness said it could be tough for parents, too. But accepting a child’s difference, and not blaming, was a start to understanding. And having involvement with an extended family was also beneficial. Those respondents who had most involvement with extended family were the least likely to say there had been a favorite or black sheep.

The research will be presented at a conference held by the Children’s Family Research Centre at Macquarie University starting today.

Source: ANI

source site: MSN website click here

Reflections of a Black Sheep

by B. Dulgren

Do you ever feel like you're cruising down the highway of life and no one else is in your lane?

Too often you feel that you're the only one of your "kind" in your family and community?

The friendly neighborhood atheist?

Sadly, I've caught myself thinking of these things when I reach a huge boulder in my path. It takes all the effort I can muster to climb over the damn thing and when I reach the other side, another one rolls right in front of me.

Now, no one ever told me life would be "fair" or "just."

However, my parents and educators also never informed me of the prejudices and intolerances that are everywhere in the real world.

The adults I was influenced by during my formative years aren't all to blame for my mid-twenties dilemma, though. Most of them were white, middle-class, Christian and ignorant or indifferent of the crap other people endure daily.

Jews lived in one suburb, blacks lived in the city and one suburb and white Christians lived in the other areas. The breakdown went further between the different denominations, of course, but you get the idea.

No one was an atheist. No one. I had to go to the local library and research religions to find out that Taoists, Jaines, Pagans, atheists, agnostics and freethinkers existed.

I started feeling really out of place when I hit my teens. I knew that I was different than the others in my class when my research paper topics were of witch-hunts, rain forest preservation, plight of the dolphins, misunderstanding of the great white shark and abortion.

I hated reading The Scarlet Letter. I refused to dissect in biology class. I loved learning about anthropology. And I decided that my research on religions and the subsequent lack of proof of existence of a god or gods was the logical first flagstone to lay to create my disobedient path.

I had no clue as to the size barrel of worms I was opening.

My arrival at college and subsequent jobs, though, opened my eyes real wide to the complexities of society. The campus organizations were so varied.

You could be a gay neo-Nazi Christian pro-life accounting major with a minor in political science and it was okay. I spent more time in basements gripping a sloshing plastic cup than the library and subsequently college life was cut short.

When I attempted the second time - an abortion, 3 break-ups, a restraining order and 4 jobs later - I had a firmer grasp on reality.

I studied, learned and grew. I liked the person I was transformed into. I hated the idea of labels, though and winced every time someone tried to call me a feminist, black sheep, veghead, or radical.

Eventually, I came to embrace my labels and even added a few of my own: liberal, animal lover, intellectual, pro-choice and atheist.

The barrel of worms was now lying on its side and you couldn't step without hearing a squish.

Not everyone in my family appreciated my freethought attitude and newfound enthusiasm for living. I accomplished nothing short of damnation by acquiring the title "black sheep," the one who everyone smiles to, but secretly whispers about the "sordid details" of the screwed up life behind closed doors.

"Oh, I wonder if they'll ever get married."
"She's a vegan now, you know."
"What the hell is that?"
"I don't know, but if they went to church, she'd stop all this nonsense."
"You mean he doesn't go to church either?"
"Neither one does."
"Her mother must be very strong to handle such a mess."

It would be funny if it wasn't so scary. The people who talk about me behind my back (as if I'm stupid or something) are parents, educators, corporate bigwigs, military personnel, homemakers and students.

Most college-educated. All white. And all Christian.

As example of the people I'm forced to deal with and call family, in one extension of my family, I have 3 second cousins (2 boys & 1 girl) under the age of 7. They're the only great-grandchildren on my maternal grandmother's side of the family.

They've been taught by their parents and other family members that God and Jesus are wonderful, Santa is generous and kind, the Easter Bunny loves carrots and gives candy, etc. These children sing songs of Jesus' loves have little knowledge of the many colors of humanity; know families as mommy, daddy and baby; attend church and Sunday School every Sunday and have the gleam of commercialism and greed in their eyes throughout the month of December because they know they will be showered with gifts.

Personally, I love the peace and quiet of a simplified winter, but my significant other still wants to participate in the tradition of an evergreen tree in the house during the month of December, so we alternate years.

He's a self-proclaimed non-active Christian (which means he doesn't buy the hype & social implications of church affiliation), but that would take way too long to try to explain, so I'll save you the headache. This past winter was "my year," so we didn't have a hacked tree in the living room or red felt stockings hanging anywhere.

A side effect, if you will, of not having Christmas at our house, though, meant that no children would be visiting because I don't do the "normal thing" and there are no presents. Of course, our cats are also at our house and the kids love the kitties, so they were bummed because they couldn't visit them.

I'll pause here and let that sink in.

The kids felt that because we didn't celebrate Christmas they were not welcome to visit the cats. What is the 5 year-old rationale behind this?

How and where did these children learn this?

From the actions, behaviors and language of adults, specifically their parents? You betcha.

In cousin Susie's defense, I must clarify that she has been to our house, has a picture of our "boys" on her bedroom wall and was so persistent this past summer that her mother was forced to bring her and one of her brothers by to see the cats and us.

But they were dropped off and picked up later. Neither her mother nor her father (my first cousin) has ever graced us with their presence. I'm still puzzled by that one. Of course, my extended family's reluctance to "allow" my S.O. and I to have the kids over on a regular basis isn't openly discussed; it's more of an understanding, shadowed by excuses: you live too far away, we're only up for a couple of days, they have colds, etc.

If we want to see the kids, we can take them to Chuck E Cheese or go to someone else's house. Everyone is waiting for me to outgrow my disobedience and come around to the "right" way of thinking. This "phase" of atheism is just like all the other "phases" I'm going through: veganism, animal rights, feminism, free speech and separation of church and state.

I don't think the situation with my family will ever improve and my partner and I are glad that we already decided not to have children, because the other family members would most likely ostracize them.

Who knows, though, we may be pleasantly surprised and have buckets of support. But why take the chance?

This intolerance and prejudice is no different than the attitude of someone you know, I'm sure. You're aware of wary parents cautious of letting their children visit an atypical "sin filled" abode because someone might tell the kiddies that God doesn't exist, or something equally horrifying.

They would be corrupted and start asking questions! I truly worry about these children in God-fearing households because they're so innocent and trusting. Parents spend so much time and effort painting their kids' minds like billboards to promote one kind of ideology or another.

The kids will be then be forced to go through a painful period of reconstruction in their teenage years to discover who they really are. They might even resent their parents for the damage that was done. (Gee, I'm not bitter or anything, am I?)

I observed Martin Luther King's birthday yesterday, to honor a great man who promoted tolerance and the destruction of prejudice against people of color. Today I'm writing about an equally disturbing prejudice against moral, intelligent, loving people labeled freethinkers.

Is there a difference between the two types of prejudice? Not really. It's all the same in my book. Hatred is hatred, no matter what angle you choose to look at it from. I can only do my part to enlighten those involved in my life and share with them a fact I learned along my disobedient path: a little respect goes a long way.

I guess I wrote this essay to offer a peek into the life and times of an atheist. I don't encourage others to follow my lead, think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread, nor send me a pipe bomb in the mail. (Pity the fool who ever mails me a bomb, though. My partner [aka: bomb squad guy] would make sure it was the last thing they did.)

I can offer a glimmer of hope, though and it comes in the form of advice of a sort. Be conscious of others as you go through life, whether you're an atheist, feminist, advocator of animal rights, pro-female reproduction rights advocate, proponent of separation of church and state, or human rights activist.

Recognize that this is a strange world we live in. And carve your initials into every boulder you encounter.