Developing the Ability to be Affectionate

By Kay Twombley

I'm writing this article for several reasons.

1st, there are many marriages in trouble because of lack of affection.

2nd, there are misconceptions about affection. People think they're affectionate and they're not. People equate love with affection. People equate love with responsibility.

3rd, people realize they aren’t affectionate but they don't know what to do about this lack in their life.

The divorce rate is 60% on first time marriages and 60% on second marriages. Most counselors agree there are 3 main reasons for divorce:

• sex
• finances
• communication

Generally speaking the mismanagement of all 3.

Affection is a huge part of sex and communication. The word affection means tender attachment and fondness. These 2 qualities in communication and sexual activity will certainly enhance your success.   

All of our love relationships need to be fortified, as if to withstand an attack. Our family relationships, particularly our marriages, need to be as strong as we can get them so we don't lose valuable time being distracted by our discontent.

We need to get ready to move spiritually. This means we must get prepared in every area including our marriages. This article isn't about bad marriages. I believe this article is about good marriages.

Once they know the truth, good marriages have the strength to change. This is about improving an already good thing, taking it up to a higher level of enjoyment.   

Affection isn't just being good. This is one of the misconceptions. A wife may say, "I keep the house clean; I cook for my husband ; I wash his clothes and I take care of his children."

That's all "good" but it can all be done without tender attachment and fondness.

A husband may say, "I work 60 hours a week; I cut the grass; I work on the car; I figure out the budget and she never worries for anything financially."

This is all "good" but that can all be done without tender attachment and fondness.

This is a misconception. Doing something for your mate doesn't equate affection. It does equate love and it does equate being responsible.

A maid and an accountant could come in and do all those things. A relationship between a husband and wife should be very special. It should be enjoyed by both. It should be filled with tender attachment and fondness.

If your partner has ever complained about your communication skills or your lack of sexual activity you need to take this article to heart.   

I particularly like the word attach. The word connect makes me think of a light plug being put in a socket. Connections can be easily broken, accidentally or on purpose. Attachment is like two pieces of metal welded together. They become as one and aren't easily separated.    

When you're affectionate you have the ability to influence your partner’s feelings. Affection is a feeling your partner gets when he or she is around you. He/she feels your tenderness and feels your fondness towards him/her. You have the ability to stir up feelings inside your partner when you're affectionate.

Most couples can say that when they dated they felt their partner was affectionate. That is good, now we know the ability is there we just need to get you back in touch with this tenderness you once had.

Christian marriages should be the best of all. I think in some cases they are, however our divorce rate is the same as the non-Christian.   

You can love someone and not be affectionate. The person married to an unaffectionate spouse is generally not as happy. You can love without affection, but your love may be interpreted as obligation or responsibility.

When a person feels the only reason someone is living with them is because they feel an obligation toward them, resentment builds.   

There are several reasons why I want you to understand the content of this article. The first is, there's a great amount of discontent in marriages. I hope this article will decrease some disappointment. I think there are people reading who are truly disappointed in their marriages and they feel trapped.

My goal is that you and your mate would learn something from this and your enjoyment level will go up. I believe understanding works towards resolution. Understanding should lead to action. Action should lead to change. Change is what we need.

A better understanding gives you strength to change. Understanding helps you realize where you're wrong.   

You must be honest with your mate if you're not satisfied, but pray before you tell them how you feel. You must tell them.. "You haven't because you ask not."   

I hope this article helps you understand love can be broken down into different components. Affection is one component of love and a very important component. Commitment is another component of love. Responsibility is another component.

We seem to understand responsibility better than affection. Responsibility is generally demonstrated outwardly. Affection is demonstrated inwardly. Responsibility influences what we do; affection influences the subtle messages we send that help the other person to feel loved.  

If you realize you're not as affectionate as you want to be, set some goals to start changing. Your increased awareness of this problem should stimulate you to look hard at a different life style. From my observation, men generally know they're not affectionate.

They don't always do anything about it, but they at least know their true state. Women on the other hand whom I observe aren't aware of how cold they are at times. Women can be tender towards their children and they do "kind things" around the house, I think they feel they're affectionate.

Check this out. As a counselor, I find this one of the leading misconceptions. Are you tenderly attached to your husband and do you feel fondness towards him? More importantly, does your husband feel love and tenderness from you?

You may say, "No, his actions have killed a big part of my affection towards him." Now, you must ask, "Have my actions towards him killed some of his affection towards me?"

It's generally never one sided.    

Some of your goals should be to demonstrate your feelings in words and actions. If you're not a hugger, change that - start today. This is difficult at first because you're not familiar with being warm. You could have been reared in a family environment that made affection a secondary goal rather than a primary goal.

Now that you know better, it's your responsibility to change. You may not feel affectionate and you think, "If I do this I'm a fake." It's okay to be fake at first; it'll change down the road and you'll be genuine. You must just start and ignore your feelings.

You start by making a decision: "I'm going to be different. I'm going to be a comfort to my husband or my wife. I'm going to speak tenderly and do things to increase our emotional attachment to each other.

This isn't too hard to do. I'm going to speak kindly to my mate. I'm going to praise my mate for his or her hard work; I'm going to appreciate my mate from now on. I'm going to honor him/her by doing special loving things just for him/her. I'm going to be affectionate and responsible."   

There are some special cases I want to mention. Affection is particularly hard for someone who was sexually abused and/or was reared in a chaotic home. You may need help beyond this article. Do not beat yourself up because you're unaffectionate. For you to start today, you may need additional help.

That's not shameful, remember some people of faith have had to have surgery before and professional counseling is a form of medicine. Also you could attend one of our sessions when I teach my book, "Where Was God When I Cried?"

If you want to deal with yourself in general, attending one of our sessions will help. People attend for a variety of reasons.

Many times you don't understand why you're like you are, these sessions help uncover hidden reasons. 

To summarize for the ones wanting to learn to be more affectionate in their marriage:

1. You must have awareness of how you really relate to your mate. Ask your spouse if he/she is emotionally and physically satisfied with you.

2. Be willing to compromise. You may not want as much closeness as your spouse does. What your spouse wants is YOUR problem. Your spouse is married to you and no one else. To help in the sexual area a good scale for married couples is to ask your mate how many times a week or month he or she would like to be sexually intimate. Write down that score. Then you share with him or her how many times a week you'd like to be sexually intimate. Write that down beside your spouse’s number.

Now, it must be a compromise. Not your way and not your spouse’s way but some where in the middle. *** As you get older and fatigue becomes a factor, fatigue doesn’t erase this need for compromise and having children doesn’t erase this compromise.

3. It’s okay not to have a perfect marriage. Be patient and persistent with yourself.

4. For people who realize they were reared in an environment where affection wasn't the primary goal you may feel very awkward as you begin reaching out.

If your mate corrects you, you may want to just give up. That isn't an option, tell your mate his/her comments are making it hard for you and he/she needs to pray more for you instead of criticize.

5. Once you start, don't stop. Do small things every week such as holding your mate’s hand or gently rubbing your mate’s arm while watching TV. Just begin with touching.

6. If you feel you can't talk honestly with your mate about this issue write him/her a letter. If you still can’t talk, you need further help. Seek a godly marriage or pastoral counselor who can help you with this problem.

7. Ask God to give you strength to pray for yourself and your mate.